Essay 2

Writers block, cliché, I know but it’s the elephant in the room, another cliché, I know. I'm bored with the novel I'm working on. It's missing something. It's missing my interest. That's the bane of any piece of writing and the single most disastrous thought. "Just write" I tell myself, "edit later" It's impossible to adhere to when you edit as you go. "Write something that interests me, fuck the audience," easier said than done. I reassure myself, "You have to write for yourself first, asshole."

iTunes spins up on random shuffle. But is it really? My library is heavily favored towards my favorite band, Mastodon. Their entire discography to just a few scattered songs from varying other artists. Mastodon’s 'Iron Tusk' starts up. The bleating drum blasts roar through the headset. Heavy, pounding guitars charge forward. I want that in my novel. I want to write something that mirrors the sound. Something dire, disparaging something heavy. I'm focused now. Someone’s got to die and it won't be someone you expect or want to die. I'm going to kill a kid.

Metallica's ‘The Day That Never Ends’ has a line in it that inspires me. "I'll splatter color on this grey." The line is thought provoking, yet so basic. This kid's blood will be splattered on a concrete median, crumbling as bullets embed in it as he gets shot in the head, right in front of his father. Oh, shit, now we're talking.

I need another character first. The guy that came into work earlier was a perfect model for a character. His overweight, disheveled frame is perfect for implanting the personality of a shop keep in a war-torn, overpopulated city. The television pulls me away from my writing. The San Francisco Giants closer Brian Wilson is doing an interview. His dark, dark black beard oddly complements his mismatched hair color, almost entirely covered by his hat. The interviewer asks him if he'll shave the beard, to which he replies with disgust and horror after a long pause and dirty looks, "I'm not shaving it." I want a piece of that eccentricity in the man I'm molding in my story, so he too, will have an off colored beard.

The future in my eyes is bleak. The outlook of the novel inherently, will reflect this. My disdain for humanity is reflected in the level of neglect the buildings of the cities; the ignorance of the future, contradictory belief systems and a general negative outlook on life. A blank page is the perfect podium for beliefs and ideology to shine through and I ramble through imagery and character development.

I write as though I am the main character. The main character is alone, strong willed and ambivalent but with a touch of benevolence. The main difference between us, however is that the character in my story has a goal. He is determined to complete his task; a task that will turn humanity back in the right direction. He is determined to disclose the truth to the masses, even if he is martyred in the process. This ambition and drive directly conflicts with my logic and defies common sense. In the same given scenario, I would never risk my own life just to get the future back on course. So I’m left with a question. Is this character stronger than I? Or am I stronger for realizing my flaws and writing this?

I want to fill this created world with a future that reflects everything that is going on today, all the problems and issues played out down the line. It's a bleak future but let’s face it our existence is just that, bleak. Can one person truly alter the future? I say no, yet I write about a person that will. Is this hope shining through? I'd better kill another character off.

I'm devoted to realism; writing real people into real situations. Without truth or realism it is hard to really compel a reader to believe in a fictitious place or character. I want a hero, but I want a hero that is realistic. I want a severely flawed hero. I want to put him scenarios where he has to make conscious decisions that will directly force the reader to ask themselves as they read, would I do something about it if I were in his shoes, given the top level priorities and information the main character has? Would I risk myself, and the future to help one individual struggling at that moment? Would that make sense? Could I do that? I want him to question his ethics after words, I want him to feel like shit after making a decision, and I want that decision to play out in a way that each choice haunts him, for better or for worse.

I have to attend a poetry reading for one of my classes. The poet is a teacher of ours. She reads a poem about a Nazi soldier that forces his dog to rape a Jewish woman, before killing her. It is an extremely powerful image and concept but my mind is elsewhere. My hero needs a sidekick. I realize he hasn't talked much. He needs someone to talk to along the way. The poet gets down on all fours, as the Jewish women would have. I think a young girl living on the streets is perfect on a number of levels; mainly though as a means to produce a lasting morally questioning moment for the character. The theme of killing one to save a thousand has always been an intriguing one for me. Would I be able to do it, would anyone be able to do it? She reads more and I'm listening intently while my mind churns. Then it hits me. This is what I need. This is a perfect way to introduce both the character and a moral dilemma. The girl is going to get raped. My hero will be forced to make a decision. Does he save the girl being raped, putting himself and the future of humanity in danger or does he ignore it and use the distraction to escape without incident, having only the mental trauma of leaving a preteen to get raped?

I write to be original. I want to write something that is different, something never done before. I stumble when I come across something in my story that I’ve heard before or seen before. It stops me dead in my tracks. I want to tread new ground, explore new scenarios. Is that even possible? Can we I as a writer truly pull off an original concept? Could I make an idea that has never been thought of before? With all these people in the world it becomes clear that the answer is no. Everything must have been thought of before, be it dismissed or faded into the unconscious, but in the end it’s not about being new or innovative. It’s really about creating something that I am proud of something I feel holds a level of truth and realism that might in fact be a deciding factor for someone who is questioning an idea or concept. The thought that I could produce something in writing that might inspire someone to make a change is enough for me to continue writing. Is that me, or my main character talking?